Are you tired of living life in the shadows? Are you ashamed or embarrassed by your past? Do you long to share your story, but don't because you're afraid? Then don't miss this episode! Listen as host Ellie Shefi chats with renowned author, speaker, and coach, Raul Lopez, Jr., as Raul shares powerful strategies for sharing your story to heal yourself and others. If you're looking to harness the power of transparency and authenticity in your stories to inspire growth, tune in now!
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Embracing Transparency, Authenticity, And Growth With Raul Lopez, Jr.
Today's guest is truly the embodiment of resilience and redemption. After navigating trauma, abuse, drugs, gangs, and even San Quentin Prison, he has risen to become an industry leader, sought-after speaker, mentor, coach, and corporate trainer. He studied Behavioral Psychology at Stanford University. He is a certified mental health training and intervention coach. He is the author of the book Heal The Boy and The Man Will Appear. This man is truly an inspiration. Welcome, Raul Lopez. It is great to have you here.
Thank you. That was a wonderful introduction. I appreciate that. I’m excited to be here.
You have been through it. You have overcome a tremendous amount of challenges in your life to be where you are now, to be such an inspiration, and to be a voice of empowerment, possibility, and opportunity. It is amazing. Thank you for all that you do.
Tell us why it is important to you to be this force for good to help many.
Thank you so much for all of that. You said the force for good, and I want to say that it's a natural coming. We experience things in life. I have learned that life happens for us, not so much to us. Everything that I had experienced and had been through, when I started to switch it around and made a decision to figure out my life and change my life, the first thing that came to me from up above was I needed to share this information. I need to help other people because people are now going through what I survived. I'm passionate about going out and helping people understand some of the things that I didn't understand, learn some of these things, come to the next level themselves, and encourage them to go out and do the same thing that I do, which is to help other people.
Take us back to some of those pivotal moments and some of those things that happened for you, not to you, that have shaped you to be the person that you are, and have this mission and this message.
Going all the way back, the primary is childhood trauma. That is what my book is about, Heal The Boy And The Man Will Appear. At the age of seven, I was torn apart from my father who I was very close with. I was kidnapped by my mother. We had our family: my mother, my father, myself, and a couple of siblings. My mother came to the marriage with two kids, and my father came with one, and together they had me. We had his and her family together, and we had a great time.
One day my mother came home and said, “Let’s go for a ride.” She put me on a plane and took me to Alaska from California. At the age of 7, I went to Alaska. It was exciting for a while. I was on an airplane. Alaska was in the snow. That was fun. I then asked, “Where is my daddy?” She said, “Don't worry about your daddy. You are not going to see him again.” It was an instant shift that I didn't understand at the time, but it changed my entire life.
Some of these things I'm going to tell you, I learned looking back. That was childhood trauma. That was a trauma for me. There were a lot of different emotions that I, as a kid, didn't understand. There was pain, confusion, sadness, and heartbreak. There were all these emotions going through this little 7 year old body who prior to that day, only knew happiness, joy and fun. That's what kids are. They are love, life, and joy. They play and have fun every day. The world is theirs. My childhood ended that day.
I started going through depression, anxiety, and living in this fog. This led me on this wild path from 7 until I was about 24 years old. At the age of 9, I was already on drugs. At the age of 13, I conceived my first child. At the age of 14, I got incarcerated. From the age of 14 to 24, I spent the majority of those years in some type of facility. I got out of San Quentin Prison when I was 24 years.
During those times of all that wildness, living in a fog, and not understanding why I was feeling the way I was feeling, acting the way I was acting, or doing the things that I was doing, I got myself in a lot of trouble, But I had those questions: Why do I feel this way? Why do I act this way? Why do I do these things? During my time in San Quentin prison, there were those questions, and I decided that there had to be more to life. I made a decision to change, and I started seeking more.
When I got out of prison, I moved from the area where I lived. I started going to college and discovered Psychology 101. Psychology 101 answered those questions and it changed my life. I saw the answer to these questions. If you have experienced this in your life, you might do this. If you have done this in your life, you might act like that. It answered those questions. I went on this journey of trying to figure out and learn more about myself, the mind, the body, and the spirit.
As I went on this journey, I discovered that our mind is psychological. Our body is biological. What we think, eat, and all the experiences in life create the life that we have. When I discovered those things, I felt I needed to go back and help kids that were incarcerated because I didn't want them to end up where I ended up. Ever since then, I have been on this journey of helping people understand some of the things that I've learned.
The hardcore passion that I have is a God-given burden. That’s what I call it. That burden is to help parents now with some of the stuff that I'm teaching because most adults don't understand the stuff that I'm talking about. If I can teach the parents, they will automatically teach their kids, and it will be a generational change.
It’s a basic human need to be seen, to be heard, and to be supported.
I want to circle back a little bit to Heal The Boy And The Man Will Appear. Not only is that a profound book title, but many mental health programs, coaching programs, and empowerment programs focus on women. One of the things that resonates strongly with your message and with what you do is how many young boys out there have had trauma and they didn't recognize it as trauma, or how many young boys out there are in single-parent households. They don't understand why they are doing what they're doing. They don't understand the thoughts, emotions, or biochemical responses that are happening in their body.
They are carrying the confusion, trauma, paradigms, and limiting beliefs with them throughout their lives. I love that you are providing this powerful space for discovery, healing, reflection, and growth not only with males, in particular, or not only with youth, but also with their parents. I love that you're cultivating these communities to help boys and men understand.
As much as we women want to help, I don't know what it's like to be a young boy who was taken from his father. I don't know what that feels like to have all of the conflicting thoughts, feelings, emotions, and beliefs about male physiology and biochemistry. Thank you so much for the spotlight that you put on that and the communities that you build, and the book that you have written. It is so profound.
The title of the book, Heal The Boy And The Man Will Appear, is a personal experience that I have had. The subtitle is Learn The Importance of Understanding and Expressing Your Emotions. I also learned over the years that the majority of the trouble that I got into was out of rage. I carried this rage within me and I lived in this fog. When I learned that emotion is energy in motion, I realized and learned that all energy has to be expressed and expand.
The example I always give people is if you are watching your favorite sports team, football or whatever it is, and the team scores, you will naturally celebrate. You will jump up and down. If you have a favorite team, singer, or whatever you are watching, and they're doing well, it's almost impossible to just sit there and stare at them because it's an energy. Joy, happiness, and excitement are energies, but so are anger and sadness. These are also energies. They are dark energies.
Sadly, when somebody makes us angry or does something wrong to us or something happens, many of us hold it in. If energy has to be expressed and you hold it in, you're going to build it up. It will build up and at some point, it explodes. That is where the rage comes from. Do you ever see people that are quick to anger? They are fast to be angry because they are carrying so much in them. They don't express that energy and the emotions they are carrying. Those were a lot of the challenges that I had.
That will often help a child. Express your emotions. We can teach the adults this and the adults can teach their kids, "Tell me how you are feeling and what is happening.” I did not learn how to express my emotions until in my late twenties. I learned it from my daughter's daycare. I watched them help her and explain to her why she was crying and why she was upset. I was watching this and I was like, “I don't even know how to do that.”
I saw her go from crying and upset to answering their questions and expressing why she felt the way she did and being completely calm. I was like, "We can all do that." Instead of being angry, mad, and exploding, if we know how to express our emotions, it's powerful for us and a powerful lesson to teach others.
A basic human need that we have is to be seen, heard and supported. These are basic human needs. How powerful it is to start honing those skills and create that space to be seen and heard, and use your voice to be able to speak up in a safe way, and to not only teach others how to do that, but then you create these magical communities. You have your TAG communities. You have all the mentorship that you do. You are a master at going into these situations and creating a safe and supportive community of exploration and expression.
You are going into prison, juvenile hall, or a church community, and you are starting to work with men early in their own journey. They have not yet learned how to identify and express what they are thinking or feeling. When you meet that initial resistance that they might have to process, how do you break through that? What is the first step that you provide for them to unlock their voice and emotions?
I remember dealing with different situations. Everybody is an individual. I remember when I learned all of these things for myself in my late twenties and I started going, teaching, and working with kids for the most part, in the beginning, I wanted them to receive everything that I would give them. It’s like, “Here, now you're better.”
What I felt was going to happen was, “Here is all this stuff that I didn't know. I'm going to give it to you. Now, you know it. You can change your life right now.” I forget whose quote it is that I also believe in. It says, “The teacher will appear when the student is ready.” I heard that back even at a young age when I was getting into a lot of trouble and I was lost. My mother had a cassette tape. This is back in the ‘80s. She had a cassette tape of Tony Robbins, and she was playing Tony Robbins.
At that age, I was young. I’m Hispanic. I was in gangs and those different things. She was saying, “Listen to this guy. Listen to him talk.” I listened for half a minute, and then I saw the cassette tape. I looked at the picture of Tony Robbins. If you've seen Tony Robbins in 1984, he was this weird-looking, skinny, and big- headed guy, and his hair was weird to me. I said, “I won't hear this guy.” I threw the cassette away. I didn't know it was hers. I just threw it out. I didn't pay attention at all.
Many years later, I'm listening to Tony Robbins and I'm like, “This guy is amazing.” I call my mom and I said, “Have you ever heard of Tony Robbins?” She was like, “What are you talking about?” I was like, “This guy is amazing.” She was like, “I told about that guy way back. I was trying to let you know that he can help you.” The teacher will appear when the student is ready, I believe 100%.
Going back to your question about these kids. I would give them everything that I have. Some of it would be flying right over their head because they weren't able to receive it or they didn't understand it. Some of them would listen and understand. A lot of them would take what I had. I would work with a lot of these kids for several months while they were incarcerated. They get out of the juvenile hall, they think everything is going to be great, and then they come right back.
Over the years, what I learned is I can help them and be in their environment while they are incarcerated, but when they left, they'd go right back to the environment that got them there in the first place. I decided and understood that all I could do was plant seeds in these kids. I can give them this information that will make them think about the stuff that we talked about. They can see that this guy who has been through where they are now cares for them. Somebody cares for them. I'm giving them some core information that's a seed for them.
Most of the time, I don't even care if these guys remember my name. All I want them to be able to do is go, “Years ago, some guy told me this,” and let that seed start to grow. I always say it's a God-given thing. I take my wisdom from the experience that happened to me and I pass it on. It's not about me or my name, but it's more about the seed is planted. That is why I can imagine that in these kids. I remember myself going, "I remember one time this guy told me this. I don’t know who it was, but that helped me.” My goal is to plant these seeds because we're all on our own path to where we're supposed to be. Some of these kids, I can help like that. Some of them, it's going to take a few years, but I think they will get there.
To your point, it's showing them that somebody cares. Maybe you're the only person in their entire life up until that point that has shown up consistently that is there for them. You create a safe space, hear them, and see them. You’re not there to judge them or tell them they are worthless or anything like that. Instead, you are there to plant these seeds to cultivate possibility and awareness of what if.
What if you could have a different life? What if you could have a different experience of life by dealing with your awareness, your emotions, and all the things? What if you could make a different choice? You referenced a couple of times in our time together that you made a decision. You decided. Tony Robbins likes to say, “It is in the moments of decision that our destiny is shaped.” It's powerful to be able to make that decision. Having better information, awareness, and seeds that have been planted, when they start to sprout, it allows you to make different decisions.
Decision is a common word, but it's a powerful word. Tony Robbins says, “In the moment of decision.” That is a powerful sentence. If you make a decision to do something and you go do it, then you made that decision. Many times I have gone on a diet. I say, “I decided I'm going to go on a diet. I'm not going to eat cake,” then there is a cake sitting in front of me, and I'm trying to decide again if I want to eat that cake or not, and maybe I will eat it. I didn't make a true decision. A true decision is in your core and heart, and there is no stopping.
I remember looking back, not even realizing I had made a decision. I talk about how I look back and could see. I always talk about how you can look back and connect the dots. It's hard to look forward and go, “What's next? What do I do now? What's going to happen then?” It's impossible. You've got to look back and go, “I see why that happened. I see where I learned that from.”
I always say, “Looking back, we figure things out.” When I look back at the decisions I made, I don't consciously remember going, “I'm going to decide to change my life.” I remember going, “There has to be more and I'm not going to live like this anymore.” The decision I made subconsciously was I've got to go figure this out because there is no one around here that's going to help me except for me, and I went after it. That is the meaning of a decision. It's a powerful word.
When you truly make that decision, it's a commitment. You are committing. There's no other option. You are burning the boats. You're burning the bridges. You have decided. That is the way it will be. You are now on that new path or have taken that new action. Many people are afraid to make a decision. They are afraid to make that commitment to themselves and others. Step one is always that awareness. Step two is to decide. Step three is to commit. Step four is to take action. It's powerful because these are the steps. In all the twists and turns of your journey and all the experiences that you have had, it boils down to those four things. You are aware. You made a decision. You made a commitment, and you took action on that.
Those are very difficult things to do. For anybody who is reading this, understand that those four things are not easy but they are possible. This is almost a cliche but it's true when people say, “If I could do it, you can do it.” When I was younger, I would hear people say that and I go, “Everybody says that.” I find myself saying it and it's true.
It is in the moments of decision that our destiny is shaped. Having better information and awareness allows us to make better decisions.
You mentioned my background. I have been through it. The life that I have lived is a wild life. Statistically, I'm dead or in prison right now. When I say, “If I can do it, so can you,” that's 100,000% a fact. It takes making that decision and taking action on those things you talked about. The commitment is powerful. In order for me to get out of the lifestyle that I had, I had to move away from the environment that I was in. I mentioned that with the kids. They go right back to that environment.
I always say it came from above. I had the intuition to go, “I got to get out of here. I can't live here.” I moved 200 miles away from where I lived. I was forced to go to school by my parole officer, but it was a wonderful thing. I ended up in college. Step by step, I kept going and taking action. I had made a commitment. Sometimes, I didn't even know what to do next. I would walk around for miles. I would always end up at the same church and I would sit there.
Interestingly enough, nothing ever happened when I would go there. I would just sit there because, for whatever reason, I felt like that was where I needed to be. It was always moving forward. It was a commitment to changing my life. It was going to college every day after not even graduating from high school. It was doing things I had never done. I continue to do that and feel uncomfortable doing it and waiting for an outcome. The outcome will come. If you decide that things will change, they will change.
You don't have to know the path. Many people say, “I will take action when I know what to do. I will take action when I know the path.” Action begets action, and action begets clarity. You take one step and then another. We're on this journey called life. It's a progression. We're going to keep progressing until we're 6 feet under.
It's a journey of progress. The magic is in the moments of the journey. The growth is in the moments, experiences, and relationships of the journey. You mentioned taking uncomfortable action. The growth is in those gaps and in those moments of discomfort where you are constantly needing to choose yourself. You are constantly needing to make another decision to put the right foot and then put the left foot. You are constantly making that decision whether you are on track or you need to course correct.
I love what you were saying that you knew that the only way change was going to happen is if the change happened. You had to move away. You couldn't stay in the same community and circumstances because what got you there wasn't going to get out of there. I love that you recognized that and you stepped fully into, "If I want my life to change, my life has to change." That includes the circumstances, communities, and surroundings.
Something else that you mentioned is super important. I want to make sure that it doesn't get lost. You went to school. You started feeding your mind and soul. You didn't know why you always ended up in this church. Every single day, you fed your mind and soul. Tony Robbins likes to say, “You have to stand guard at the gate of your mind.” You did that incredibly powerfully.
Our quote is, “As a man thinketh, so shall he be.” It's in a lot of self-development books but it actually comes out of the Bible. It's important that you’re reminded it's important because what we think about most often is who we are and what creates our life. Our environment and who we hang around are what's in our minds. It is who we are. If we are not guarding the door of our mind, what happens within our mind is there regularly. What we think about most sinks into our hearts. What's in our hearts is who we are. It is who we become. We don't have to stay that way. We can change, but it's who we become.
When we pay close attention to what we're thinking, and we learn that we can control our thoughts and we can calm our minds and choose what we want to think about and the life we want, that will sink into our hearts. It will automatically come because that's who you will become. That is the right way to do it.
Piggybacking on that a little bit of who you become. Many people are attached to the identity of their circumstances or the identity of the events that they have gone through, and the label that society or their parents have put on them or they put on themselves. How did you break free from the identity of your past circumstances? How do you teach others to do the same?
I paid a lot of attention and I still do to basic psychological conditioning. Our parents teach us what they know and what they were taught from birth. It becomes a core value, a core understanding. It's who we believe that we are. It's important to question why we think the way we think, why we do what we do, and why we act the way we act, whether it be good or bad. We may have some thoughts and some actions that are not bad things, but why do I do that?
I will tell you how I work with people on this. I have a program that I call Blueprint. I do this with corporate teams and individuals. I give them a piece of paper and ask them to draw a blueprint of a building. If they're going to make a building, they need to draw a blueprint. I will have them draw it out. I will have everybody hold it up. I'll ask, “Anybody's blueprint the same?” It's impossible. It can't be. It never is because everybody has their own idea of a blueprint.
That is the same with who you are at the core and in your life. We are all raised in a completely different environment. What we’re taught was taught to whoever taught us, and it continues. We have to understand and question, does that work for me? Do I want to be that person? Do I want to act like that? Do I want to say that?
This is an understanding that I got during the years while I was training and learning these things. The example I always give was with my wife. There was a time when she would get mad at me every morning and I didn't know why. I would get up in the morning and she would be mad. I didn't understand why she was mad at me. I just woke up. I didn't do anything wrong. I just let it go. One day, I asked her, “Honey, why are you mad at me every morning? We weren't fighting last night or anything, and you're mad at me in the morning.”
She looked at me and said, “Why don’t you get up in the morning and turn on the heater before me and the kids get up so it's warm in the house when we get up?” I thought two things. One, I wanted to say, “Why don't you?” That's what came to mind. The other thought was, “Why did you hold that in for so long? Why didn't you tell the first time you thought that?” I’m talking about energy. We hold things in. I thought about it and I said, “I will do that. Ask me and I will do it.”
Going back to my first thought, “Why don't you?” That's the environment’s blueprint. My wife was raised by a single father. He got up every morning and turned on the heater for the kids so it was warm. I was raised by a single mother. My mother got up every morning to turn on the heater for the kids. There is nothing right or wrong. Those were our environments. Her core is the man gets up and turns on the heater. My core is the woman gets up and turns on the heater. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just who we are. It’s our life blueprints.
All I had to do was look at her blueprint and understand, “Her father turned on the heater for her every morning.” I can do that, so I did it. If people had a basic understanding of blueprint like that with other people in general, your communication, work, relationships, and everything would be so much better because it's not about being right or wrong. It's about understanding where the other person came from, how they were raised, and what their environments were.
In essence, that was how she felt cared for, protected, provided, loved, seen, and nurtured. It’s all the underlying currents of what that one thing represents. We all have that, to your point. We all have our expectations, paradigms, and belief systems. We all give and receive love, respect, and affection differently.
This is why what you're doing is critical. It’s important, all the work that you do to help people find their voice and use their voice to ask for what they need, to share their stories, and question their paradigms and their programming. To your point earlier, it's not that it's bad or good. It's a matter of questioning. Does this still serve me? Is this something that I choose? From that place, you can again make a decision. Is this something that I choose? Does this continue to serve me? Is this who I choose to be right now in this stage of my journey? Is this empowering me to get to the next level of my journey or the next goal that I have?
It’s being able to use your voice to make the decision, take action, seek the communities or help that you need, and seek the mentorship or the coaching that you need in order to be able to become the architect of a life that you love. A conscious life where you are creating the experience that you want now. Not the experience that you had as a child. Not the experience that you had going through other events and circumstances. It's this magical thing that we get to decide in each and every moment.
You mentioned paradigm a couple of times. What you're talking about is so often, we're stuck in these paradigms. They can be good or bad, but often we're stuck in the paradigm of who we were taught to be. I always say, “Remember who you were before society told you who to be.” We're taught who to be. The thing I learned about paradigms is that so often we don’t know that we are in them. We think that is the way life is. Often people tell me that when I'm coaching. They say, “It's the way I am.” I say, “It’s who you are now, but that is not who you have to be. That’s not who you are, especially if you don’t like it.”
Tell us a little bit about your TAG series. Tell us what TAG stands for because this is incredible. I love the work that you're doing. I would love to shed some light on it.
TAG stands for Transparency, Acceptance and Growth. I learned that and it all falls into this whole discussion. Being transparent in who we are, understanding that we went through these challenges in our lives, and accepting them. When we're transparent and sharing our stories, it helps us grow. We're being transparent. We have accepted the challenges we have been through. It helps us and other people grow.
When I started to share my story, I would see the light go on people's eyes. They think, “I'm not the only one who has been through that. Somebody else feels that way. Somebody else acts that way and does these things as I do. It was healing for me.” I thought the same thing. I would think, “This person has the same life that I have.” Being transparent, accepting who we are, getting out there, and sharing our story helps us all grow.
It's not about being right or wrong. It's about understanding where the other person came from, how they were raised, and what their environments are.
That's what I love so much about TAG. That's why I'm passionate about helping people share their personal stories because it's healing for us as individuals to get out there and share. Also, it's a God-given burden. It’s a welcome burden. We see others' lights go on. We see some shifts in their lives and their perspective. We see their paradigms open up a little bit. They can shift into a new one. Hopefully, they will start sharing their story to help do the exact same thing for the next person.
When you start to work with somebody to identify their story, craft their story, reframe their story, and find the courage to be vulnerable to share their story, take us a little bit on your process. Many people are yearning to find their story, rewrite their story, and share their story. What do you do?
It's a little bit different for individuals. Some people come to me and share their stories because people know that I’m passionate about sharing stories. Sometimes, people will come to me and they will say, “I have never told anybody this in my life. I just want to share my story.” I will say, “Okay.” I will sit down with them and they will tell me their entire story. I will talk to them truthfully about how powerful its.
Every person has a story, and they are all powerful. I will tell them how powerful it is. I will discuss with them about sharing this with other people. I will give them categories of people who may need what they have been through. They will decide if they want to move forward, work, and put their story together. That's one route.
The other route is somebody who knows they have a story and says, “I need to share it. I have seen you. I have seen people on your stages. I want to share my story too and I'm ready to go.” We will put together a program for them. Initially, what I do is help them put together their story into a fifteen-minute chunk. It will usually start with the Zoom call, and they will talk for hours.
They will tell me all of these things, and I will record the call. I will break it down and I will say, “Here are the key points. Here is how you make an impactful talk about who you are and what you experienced in fifteen minutes.” Those talks always need to be, “Here is the challenge that I’ve had. Here is where I made a decision to change. These are the tools I use now to maintain and grow. That way, we are always giving the audience tools that they can take home and that they can use to change their lives. That's the primary.
From there, a lot of people say, “I love this. I'm sharing my story now. Thank you.” They go off, they share their story, and they love that. Other people go, “I want to do what you do. I want to do this for a living. I want to share my story on stage and in books. I want to be able to get paid for it.” I say, “That's good.” From my experience, initially, when we all start sharing our stories, we want to help people. We're not in it for the money. We just want to help people.
In order to help people, you've got to have the finances in your pocket so that you can fly here and fly there, put on events, and do all these things to be out there helping people. I always encourage people to take their stories to the next level. What I do from there is help them expand their 15 minutes story to 90 minutes. Inside their story, we put chunks of tools and teachings that they have. I help them put together packages that they can offer for coaching and counseling.
You are creating an army of impact-makers. You know my story. I'm an abuse, rape, and domestic violence survivor. I have been homeless. I've lived in my car and I had cancer. I have also been through it and come out on the other side. It's funny that you mentioned hearing Tony Robbins' tape as that young kid in the car because my North Star or my coping mechanism for all of the different challenges that I have overcome in my life was also Tony Robbins.
I was around 10 years old and we didn't have money to buy the cassette tapes, but there was a late-night infomercial on TV. I saw his infomercial and I remember him saying, "life happens for you, not to you." Through everything that I've gone through, that has been my North Star. I know it to my core. It's not even a belief. It's a knowing in every cell in my body that every single person has a story to tell. Your voice, story, and experiences matter.
You are this amazing unique individual, a divine being having a human experience. I'm a firm believer that someone in the world is waiting for you to show up as you. Someone in the world is waiting for you to share that message, that experience, and that thing that only you can. I love that you work with people to pull that out of them and cultivate it, and then equip them to be able to use their message and story not only as a vehicle for good but as a revenue stream.
To your point, money is just an amplifier. It's a tool that you can use to amplify the good that you do in the world. It is a resource that you can use to scale your impact and do more good. I love that you're helping people to put together their stories in a way that they can monetize. I love that you do that not only in a speaking format but also in a written format. You do some books that also allow people to share their stories. Tell us a little bit about that.
I have a couple of co-authoring books that I have put out based on the TAG Talks Forum. Sometimes people are looking to get into this industry and understand that monetizing it is important. It does help. It's a tool. It helps us get out there. If you're coaching, you should have a book. If you have a book and you're coaching, you should be on stage. If you're on stage, you should be a coach. It all goes together. It's one industry.
A lot of times, people want to get their message out and I put them on stage. They should also have a book that they can use like a calling card nowadays. If you can't make it to an event for whatever reason or you love to read, a lot of the speakers that get on our stage also get into our books. You can buy them on Kindle and Amazon. You could buy the books and read their stories also.
I love all of the platforms you create for people to share their story and get their message out into the world.
We have talked a lot about the importance of your story. We've talked a lot about how it is in the moments of decision that your destiny is shaped, and we've talked about the power of deciding. Talk us through some of the most powerful practices, tools, or strategies that you have implemented to be able to create and maintain that resilient mind, that determined mind, and that mind that takes action.
The number one thing that I do every single day is purposeful thinking. I choose my thoughts. A pastor taught me this. He could see that I was frustrated. I had all this rage and all this stuff inside me. He grabbed me and started to hug me. He knew that at that time, years ago, I wasn't used to being hugged. I was uncomfortable. I had this lostness about me. I remember he grabbed me and hugged me.
He told me, “Keep coming back. Keep doing what you're doing to grow like we talked about and learn to quiet your mind.” That is what he said that shifted me. He said, “Learn to quiet your mind and soak in prayer.” It took me two years to understand that if my mind was running like this, I had control over it. I tried to calm down and soak in prayer, which to me is meditation. I always say, “When we're praying, we're talking to God. When we're meditating, we're listening.”
Repeat that one more time. I want to make sure that our readers caught that. That is a huge and powerful distinction.
It’s 100% true. When we're praying, we're talking to God. When we're meditating, we're listening. That's what came to me. That's why the pastor told me, “Learn to quiet your mind.” I can hear from above. I can hear the lessons, the understandings, and the things that I need to learn. Going back to the tool that I used to learn to quiet my mind, it was very difficult. It's not easy. Most people don't understand that you can control what you think all the time. There will be thoughts that pop. You can say stop, and you can control it.
What I had to do when I first started to meditate and learn to quiet my mind is I had to think of one thing. To lay there and try to think of nothing was impossible for me. I could not lie there and think of nothing. My mind would run. What I started to do was think of one item. It could be anything. It could be an orange or apple. Think of one thing over and over. What happens is you start thinking about that one thing, and everything else that is going like this in your mind goes away. You are thinking about one thing.
With breathwork, deep breaths in your nose and deep breaths out of your mouth, your body will calm. You will start thinking about one thing. You will go into a quiet mind. In that quiet mind is where you can choose your thoughts. You can say, “I'm going to have a good day.” You can say, “I'm not angry.” I always say, “Every day and every way, things are getting better and better.”
Depending on your circumstance, you can talk, speak, and think about what you want to do. I do that every day. As soon as I'm conscious, before I even open my eyes, my mind will start to run, “What did I not do yesterday that I should have? What do I need to do today?” I instantly stop. I picture a red stop sign. I’m like, “What am I grateful for?” I start to choose my thoughts. I do this every day. I'm laying in bed, and the next thing I know, I’m laying there with a big smile on my face. I’m in this calm, peaceful state, and then I get out of it.
In a calm peaceful state, I do not pick up my phone for at least an hour. I get up and drink a room-temperature glass of water. If I have some lemon, I will shoot some lemon in there. I will drink it and I will move. I will walk around. I will do the dishes in the morning. I will find something to do. I'll walk around in the morning for about half an hour or so. I started my day with this gratefulness. I'm happy, choosing my thoughts. I got some water. I'm walking around. My metabolism is moving. I started my day. It creates an amazing day. That is the main tool that I use on a daily basis.
That is powerful because you are designing your day. You're not just waking up and reacting, which is what happens if your eyes open and you grab your phone. You will instantly see a million emails that have come in overnight and all the fires that you need to put out. From that point, you are instantly in reaction mode. You are behind the eight ball. It feels overwhelming, and it can snowball.
What’s fantastic about gratitude is it's not only a thought, but an emotion as well. When you think about what you're grateful for, a biochemical response happens, and you feel amazing.
I love the fact that when your eyes are open, you practice gratitude. You're intentional about directing your thoughts and emotions. The amazing thing about gratitude is it's not only a thought. It's an emotion as well. When you think about what you're grateful for, there is a biochemical response that happens. Your physiology changes. You feel grateful.
I love the fact that you move into hydration. Our body is primarily water. Hydrating is going to allow you to make better decisions, have more clarity, and set your metabolism. I love that you moved into movement. You are starting by activating your physiology. From that point, you are the master of your ship for the day. It's a lot harder to get knocked off course. It's a lot harder to get knocked off of that emotional stability when your physiology is aligned with that.
When you talk and you're explaining it, it gets me so excited because you understand these things. We can pass these messages on. People can hear, understand, and practice them. If they are making a decision to practice, things will change. Because we both experienced these things and we have done the work, it sounds like it's simple. It does take work. I encourage people to do the work. Don't think that one day you're going to wake up and have happy thoughts, and everything is going to be perfect.
You're probably going to wake up and if you have never done this, you'll try and think happy thoughts, and the negative stuff you're usually thinking about is going to overwhelm it. Maybe another time we can get into the neurology of all that, but just know that change is uncomfortable. It's neurons. They take the path of least resistance.
When you try to change or when you are changing, you're going to feel uncomfortable. A lot of times, you may not even know what's going on. You might go, “I don't know what is going on but I feel weird.” It is internal. Things are happening. Things are shifting. That is the good part. When things start to shift and you're uncomfortable, that means you are changing.
I'm a big fan of sticky notes. To your point, it's a practice. It’s a habit that you're building. It’s a muscle that you're conditioning. It's not just innate. None of us came out of the womb knowing, “My eyes are going to open. I'm going to do a gratitude practice. I'm going to hydrate. I'm going to move my body. I'm going to intentionally design my day. I'm not going to pick up my phone. I'm going to create whatever that morning routine is that sets me up for success.” We're not born knowing that. It's a practice. It’s a muscle we develop and a habit we create day after day.
For me, the number one most helpful thing was the sticky notes all over the place to remind me to check in and to hydrate. I get busy during the day. I often forget to eat. I've got reminders on my phone that pop up throughout the day that say, “Nourish yourself, hydrate, move, step away from the computer, take a walk.” There are these incredible tools, everything from sticky notes to reminders on your phone to apps to communities, but I love the reminder. Thank you for the reminder that this is a practice that you will develop, and it will often seem foreign.
Let's expand on that a little bit. Let's touch on imposter syndrome. You mention those negative thoughts that might creep in and feel a little bit overwhelming. When you are trying to shift that paradigm, you go, "BS." Your day is not sunshine, rainbows and roses. You're not whatever your affirmation is. Let's talk about how to deal with that inner critic and feelings of imposter syndrome.
We have touched on a lot of the little tips and tools. This is great to lead right into where we come from. The key word is to practice. I had mentioned earlier that as a man thinketh, so is he or so is she. This goes for everybody. The reason we start to become uncomfortable when we start to change is because it is what is in our hearts already. We start that subconsciously. What's in our heart is I do A, B, and C. When I start doing 1, 2 and 3 instead of A, B and C, we are going, “This is uncomfortable. There is something wrong with this.” If we recognize it, it will help us continue to go, “I'm going to continue to do A, B and C.”
I mentioned a little bit about neurology. We have millions of these neurons firing in our brains and all of these things that are happening. When we have these two neurons and we learn something new, there is a connection between them. There are billions of these, but we have this connection between them. As we learn something new, whether it’s good or bad, and we practice whatever that new thought is, that becomes a habit. It gets thick. It's a solid part of who we are and a core value for us.
If it is negative and it is not something we should be doing and we want to change it, all of a sudden, we have this new thought, “I want to make a decision. I want to change my life.” The connection is so thin. When I try to go to that path of least resistance, it is easier to go back to the old path because it's such a solid path. I have been doing it for years. I've got this new little tiny thin path that I'm trying to become but it's hard.
We have to keep practicing and paying attention until this new habit is the solid one, and this other one thins out because we don't do that as much anymore. That’s where the shift happens scientifically in our brain. It is a shift from one habit to another. It works because naturally, human beings want to take the path of least resistance. It’s everything naturally on the earth. Look at rivers, lakes and everything else. They take the path of least resistance.
It's also important that when we are developing these new muscles and creating new neural pathways, when we are building new habits, and when we have decided to make a change, we need to practice to solidify and integrate that change. During that practice, it's easy to slip back into old habits, so it's important to show yourself some grace and practice forgiveness because it's not a one-and-done. There are going to be some days where you remember to do it and other days, not so much. Some days where you're in that groove and you're in that alignment. Other days where maybe you're triggered.
I don’t know about you. For me, with my past programming, those triggers would start a new avalanche of failure or all that negative chatter. Alongside developing a gratitude practice, I found it helpful to develop a practice of forgiveness, showing myself grace, and treating myself like like my own best friend. I needed to learn how to show myself that same gratitude, grace, forgiveness, understanding, and patience that I would give my best friend.
We're harder on ourselves than we are on other people. I heard somebody say once. They said, “We will protect our friends against some of the things that we do to ourselves.” If you hear somebody saying or doing something to your friend, you will be like, “You can't do that.” But we do the same thing to ourselves, so practice forgiveness.
I mentioned that I do my morning routine every morning. It's because we have to. Things don't go away. We do have to continue the work. It's ongoing. Even though it took me a couple of years to practice and get to a state where I knew how to quiet my mind, it doesn't mean I'm done. It doesn't mean that I know how to do it so I'm not going to do it anymore. It's a tool like a tool you have in your garage. It's a tool and we have to use these tools.
It's not one and done. It's not like we heal and it's gone forever. We understand. We accept that whole thing. We go, “ Now I have these tools." That's why we're passionate about giving tools right now. We're giving out these tools to utilize over and over again. You don't go to the gym one time and are all of a sudden in great shape. You go to the gym on a regular basis. It is the same thing mentally and emotionally.
I want to shift to an ancillary piece of this that I think is important for people. We talked about ways to shift your mind, create a life that you love, become aware and make the shifts. What are your biggest tips in the craziness of life, with all of the stresses that we have, and the challenges that continue to arise? What are your best practices for self-care and for filling your own cup so that you're able to continue on?
I feel like the best practices are serving and helping others. If I have coaching calls or something first thing in the morning, I have such a wonderful day. I think it comes from above. There's something about giving and helping that creates a happy life. When we pay attention to what makes us happy, it's usually serving others in some form and some way. We always want to help. We want people to feel better. We want other people to have fun and have great things.
But we have to take care of ourselves too. We have to have self-care and self-love. Self-love is helping others, and it's given back to us spiritually. I enjoy answering your question. I enjoy helping others. That helps me quite a bit. The morning routine I talked about is a tool. It helps a lot. I do live in-person events. I will be so busy with those events. The three months prior to the event, I may not get up and do my morning routine. I may not have one-on-one coaching calls with people. I may take that time to get ready and set up for those 90 days because I have so much going on.
If I start to fall during those times, I always make sure that I do have a coach, somebody to call that I can say, “Here is where I'm at. Here's what's going on,” and get some uplifting words. As much as I give, I also hire the right people to come and help me and lift me when I need it. I have to recognize. We pay attention and we recognize when we start to fall.
We can fall and for many years, I would fall. I would stay in that darkness for so long. As I started to use these tools that we're talking about, I started to realize that people who have been where I'm at right now and are past it can help me get past it. It started to shrink. Instead of being down in this darkness forever, I'm down in the darkness shorter. As soon as I recognize it, I can reach out and I can get help.
It goes back also to the awareness of building the community. I love that you said, “Reach out for help.” There are many times when people can feel alone, particularly since the pandemic, where there were long periods of isolation. People were quarantined at home in the first 18 months in particular. It's no surprise that there's a rise in the prevalence of depression and increasing suicide rates. It's no wonder that mental health struggles have been intensified by these long periods of isolation and feeling like you're alone.
It's important to surround yourself with the right people. If you don't have the money to hire a coach, there are a lot of free communities and free resources out there. Find the communities that align with you and then reach out for help. At the first sign of a dip, reach out and ask for what you need, and know that you are never alone.
We’ve spent so much of this time talking about the fact that every single person out there matters and has a story to tell that someone needs to hear. If you do find yourself struggling, whether that is with mental health or in any other aspect of life, know that you're not alone. We're all on this human journey. We're all divine beings having a human experience. Your voice matters and your experiences matter. Someone in the world needs you. Find someone that can support you and reach out.
You said, “Self-awareness is key. Understanding when we start to fall.” I do know from experience and I meet a lot of people that they fall. They don't realize it until 2 or 3 weeks go by. They go, “I have been in this hole for weeks. I feel like I'm not even here.” It's being aware of when it starts. This is me personally. It’s anybody who is passionate about helping others through mental health. I'm a coach and consultant, and I charge for a lot of my services. But if I sense somebody is broken -- some people want to tell me their story and they'll tell me that they've never told it before, “I need to get this out; I need to share this story” -- then I will sit with them because of the passion that I have to help people change their lives, the people who are depressed, the people who are lost and don’t know what's going on in their lives, that is a God-given passion that I will do for free as much as I can.
That's why I go to juvenile hall. I couldn't go during the pandemic, but as soon as it opens up again, I will be there every week. I go every Wednesday because it's what I want to give. It's part of me. I say this because you mentioned people could reach out. Some people may not be able to afford it, but there are people out there who will listen. A lot of times, all that you need is to listen, “Here is how I feel. This is what's happening inside of me.” It helps a ton. Never be afraid to reach out to anybody around you that you think can help and ask, “Can I talk to you?” I bet 99.99% of the time, they are going to sit and listen to you.
How can people find you? How can they connect with you and get into your circles?
I have a couple of different websites. My personal branding is Raul Lopez, Jr. I'm a junior. Raul Lopez is a very common name. If you key in Raul Lopez, you will find a million different Rauls, but I have branded Raul Lopez, Jr. If you Google that, you will find me. My personal website is RaulLopezOnline.com. I have my TAG Talks website, TagTalks.org. It’s easy to get access to. I always post on there. Send me a personal message. You can send me an email on any of my websites.
I highly recommend that you connect with Raul. He is incredible.
Raul, as we start to wrap up, let's imagine that you have come to the end of your life best lived. You left it all on the table. What do you want to be remembered for? What do you want them to say about you?
There are two answers to that question. One, even if they don't know my name, if they go, “I remember this guy said.” It changes their life. They take that and they teach other people. It changes their lives and on and on. I'm happy with that. If someone is going to mention my name and they go, “That guy, Raul. I was incarcerated. He came in and he sat with me. He helped me change my life. Now my kids don't even think about it. They're not in that lifestyle. They will never be incarcerated. They are not lost. They understand their emotions. I taught them to express it.” That would be the ideal God-given place to be.
And so it is. I know that countless parents will be having that thought, where their kids never have to worry because of the seeds that you planted.
Before we leave, is there anything else that you would like to share? Any parting words?
There are people out there who want to help you. We have all experienced hard times. No one has not experienced a hard time in their life, and we have all made it through them because we're here now. You are reading this. You have made it now. If you continue to have problems, reach out. Take these lessons and some of these tools that we offered, and put them into use. If you need help, ask somebody for help.
Thank you so much for being here.
Connect with Raul and become part of his world. Get into his communities. It is an amazing gift what you do, what you share, and how you show up in the world. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Ellie. I appreciate you.
Thank you. Until next time.
Important Links
About Raul Lopez, Jr
Raul Lopez, Jr. is the embodiment of resilience and redemption.
After navigating trauma, abuse, drugs, gangs, and even San Quentin prison, he has risen to become an industry leader, sought-after speaker, mentor, coach, and corporate trainer.
Determined to gain insight into his thoughts, behaviors, and emotions, Raul studied behavioral psychology at Stanford University and is a certified mental health training and intervention coach.
Passionate about helping young men to turn their lives around, Raul regularly speaks at youth groups and is a mentor, speaker, and coach to incarcerated youth.
He is the creator of TAG Talks, and the author of the books, “Heal the Boy and the Man Will Appear” and "Your Story Sells."
